Lord,

Thank you for giving me the motivation to cook and jog. You know I struggle with discipline with these type of things, but the motiviation and drive to continue has only come from You. Thank you so much. Thank you for the joy I am receiving from it as well. I struggle in the process, but my heart is full of joy afterward. THANK YOU!Please, keep my heart set in the right place. Strength and endurance come from You, whether it be physical or spiritual. I pray that I continue to keep up the pace and drive. Thank you for loving me each and every day, even though I don't deserve it. Amen.

It has begun!

Just so you know, I have decided, starting today, that I will jog every day after I get back from work. As soon as I get home, I will immediately change into appropriately clothing for the task at hand, and get my big butt into shape. I may not be good at it, and it will take some time for me to get into it, but I am SO done with they way I look and feel. My knees and ankles always hurt when I run, but I know it's because of all the extra poundage I got going on. I will start out with short lengths, and go for longer amounts of time every few days. My problem is that as soon as I "feel the burn" I quit and give up. I started thinking about this, and I realized that I am not a quitter. When I danced, I was capable of full-out dancing for 10 minutes straight, giving it my all, and still ready for more. No matter how much I wanted to stop I didn't. I kept pushing. I want to be that way again. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, and looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. Well, it's about time I do somethig about that, right?
I also want to start cooking more. I cooked a lot this weekend. I turned on some music, whipped out my handy dandy recipe book, and got busy. Funny thing is is that I actually enjoyed it a little. (Shhhhh. Don't tell anyone.)

Alright. Well here is to a new beginning. I hope I don't die, or get run over.

Lord,
I ask for the strength to see this through. I want to live a healthier, longer life. I want to be able to do the things you have called me to do. Give me joy in this. Give the drive and spirit to keep going, no matter how much I don't want to. You are bigger than all of this, and I know that you can give me passion for things all around me. Place people in my life to hold me accountable. I love you so much. Thank you for letting me wake up every day and for your unending, and bountiful grace, that I have never and will never deserve. Amen.

Observations of a young high school teacher... Part II

With the end of the first semester coming to a close, I find myself in the same position as every other teacher: I feel very strongly about how much I want to hurt my students, and that the Christmas break couldn't have come any sooner. Well actually, yes, it could have. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I couldn't have been more blessed. God has been amazing, but I still find myself on the brink of insanity. I haven't had my "crying and wollowing in self-pity" moment yet that every teacher seems to have their first year. I keep thinking that if it hasn't happened yet, then next semester I am in for a doozy.
My students continue to make me laugh constantly, but I find myself becoming more stern, and impatient, especially with my sophmores. I keep thinking, "WHY wasn't I a b**** to them the first few weeks, THEN get easier on them?" I am paying for it now, but I still love them.
My stance on people watching and high schools still remains firm. High schools really are fertile ground for watching our future leaders, doctors, teachers, and hobos in the making.
Students have this innate ability to stand exactly in the MIDDLE of the hallway, or walkway, no matter where they go. Their group of 20 people must block everyone from getting where they need to go, and who cares if it makes everyone late. It drives me mad! I try to tell them to move to a different location, but they just look at me with this odd question on their faces. I once again have to flash that little piece of plastic that proves that I do in fact have some authority in this place, however small the amount may be. They don't even consider moving to the side, or waiting until they are seated in their desks. "No. It must be right now, in the middle of the hall, for everyone to see, because I am more important than you and your desire to NOT be late to class." Really? REALLY?!
Do you ever notice how quickly trends spread in a school? True, this is old news, but WOW. You don't realize until you are in the heart of it all, and being on the other side of the education spectrum. Well, there's one thing the movies had right: It only takes one cool kid to like it and the rest will follow. Take TOMS shoes for example. We all know TOMS, at least the twenty-somethings do. Tomorrow's Shoes right? The shoe that is covering the feet of people who live without everyday, and it happens because we buy one pair, and another is sent out for free so technically we are buying two pairs of shoes. As amazing as this program is, these students have NO CLUE what it does. They just like them. Let's face it. They are not the fanciest shoe out there, but by God, they sure are the most comfortable. One student started wearing them, and I can even name her, and the rest followed like sheep. Hundreds of kids wear them every day. When I ask them if they know that TOMS is a charity, they look at me with that giant question mark, and they...are...clueless. I am floored, and they are once again welcomed into the world outside of them. "I just thought they were cool." Ugh. No matter if they knew or not, TOMS are stilling making their way around the world because of the students, so I can't complain. There is another trend making its way around here. This one is not so...awesome. It's a boy thing. They love to wear these name brand socks, like Nike, Adidas, etc., layered with their high top tennis shoes. I am talking three layers of socks with the brand clearly shown on each layer. Outside of black and white socks, no other colors are allowed. I keep thinking, "Aren't your feet hot?" I mean it's ridiculous, and incredibly unattractive, but I know we all had those trends growing up, the ones we look back on and think about how much we WEREN'T thinking. The UGGs and tiny dresses are making their way too. They wear them together, and it's AWFUL. Honestly, I think they wear the UGGs because they don't have any other kind of boots that you are supposed to wear, which is another clothing trend all over right now. Not the UGGs though. Please, not the UGGs.
I guess I can quit dogging on my students and talk about me for a second. (Speaking of looking outside of our own little worlds. haha.) My first semester has been a learning experience. A great one, a tough one, a long one, but a learning one nonetheless. I have learned to remind myself that they are just teenagers, and they are entitled to act that way. We were all teenagers, and we had the attitude, and the self-centeredness. We couldn't see past our mirrors and make up long enough to see that our actions affect others. Teenagers will be teenagers. We grow out of it eventually, some take longer than others. When they don't get something, or their common sense doesn't seem to be on that day, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that they are young, and stupid. Plano, Texas is a very unrealistic place to live. People still walk and ride their bikes to school. Kids are given BMWs on their 16th birthdays. A rude awakening is headed their way. In a way I can't blame the kiddos. This is what they have known. I love being able to be sarcastic with them, but even sarcasm we have to be careful with. Their self-esteem is SO fragile. I have students who do things, have done things, are living through things that I NEVER had to deal with growing up. I didn't even know people that dealt with what they do. (And people wonder why I don't want kids.) I love that I am young, and they see me that way. I have some students who tend to trust me more than the others. They feel it's easier to relate to me. They aren't stupid. They know I am not THAT much older than them. I have the "camp counselor" mentality with them more often then not. I am sure they think I am bipolar sometimes. One day, EVERYTHING makes me laugh, and the next, I don't put up with any of it. I want to be there for them. I want to show them love, Christ's love. I work in a very cultural diverse environment. As much as I love it, I know that my students need Christ more than any of us could imagine. I pray I show them love as it should be.
I have also learned that it is okay to be mean to them if you have to be. They will get over it. I hate that feeling after I have to yell at them or get on to them. I feel like they hate me and they will never like me again. But my job is not for them to like me. I am learning that slowly, but surely. Teenagers size you up the moment they see you. You can see them do it. The wheels are turning, and they are trying to decide if you mean business. If you have to put your foot down, then do it and don't fear the outcome. You can't worry about what they think. For one thing, they are 14, 15, and 16 years old. Who cares what they think?! They know nothing. They are so deeply concerned about others and what they think about them, that they forget that one day, it won't matter. Oh teenagers. To be young again. NOT!
Well, I must wrap this up. My hands hurt, and I have stuff to do. It is the Friday before we are done for Christmas break (Thank ya LAWD!), and I refuse to take work home with me.
Merry Christmas everyone!

Fall into Autumn...

I love the fall. It always brings such a sentimental feel. I always think school supplies, orange and red leaves, kids in costumes with buckets of candy, and carnivals. School starts in summer for us, but the fall always brings a new image of little school buses used as name plates that are planted on our desks in elementary school. I always seem to picture a little girl with a side ponytail, a white turtleneck and a green jumper. Maybe it is just an image of me burned into my memory bank. I am very visual. I always have an image or small "clip" of something playing in my head, a montage if you will. With Autumn comes thousands of leaves floating across the suburban streets as children play or go trick-or-treating. You hear the screams of joy and adrenaline as the carnival rides are in full swing, as a child brutally swings around a plastic bag with a goldfish bound to live its last days in the coming week. Every year since I can remember my hometown as always had a carnival in the same place. It always comes at the end of September without fail, unless there is a hurricane of course, and if that happens they just postpone it. But never fear, the Lions Club Carnival will prevail! What would fall be without football games on Friday nights at the local high school? Hearing the shouts and the band blaring away. I feel like childhood can be wrapped up in one season, Autumn. Even now, as an adult (Which is still odd to say.) fall gives me this odd sense joy, knowing cooler weather is coming, and a new year is beginning. Almost my entire life has been spent in school, in some shape or form. After that you tend to time your life to the school year, not the fiscal year. Haircuts, clothing, television are all scheduled around the fall. Fall also brings me one step closer to Christmas. But that blog is for another day.

The many observations of a high school teacher...

I find teaching to be enjoyable. I am not yet to that dreaded "first year slump" and I happen to love my school, students, team, subject, *insert other things pertaining to school here*. I have experienced the feeling of not wanting to go to school because I am just so damn tired, or having those kids you just want to punch in the face, but all-in-all, it's going swimmingly. One of the best things about working at a high school, especially the ones that only hold 9th and 10th graders, is the interactions amongst the students themselves.
For those of us who experienced high school not too long ago, or those who can still remember high school, nothing has changed. I don't think we saw it when we were that age, because the world revolved around us and our small-minded bubble. It wasn't out fault. It's the age, world we live in, etc. Being on the opposite side of things looking in, a whole NEW view of teenagers as emerged. Ninth and tenth graders are...interesting. Ninth graders are still in that junior high awkward funk, and tenth graders think they know it all because they've been in high school an entire year. (Wow, a whole year. They must be at the top of the social food chain.) At a school that only holds ninth and tenth graders, I feel these students are missing out at the high school experience. Dreading the seniors as a freshmen is a right of passage! Going to the big game on Friday night is a big deal. It's all a part of it. But what these students miss out on they make up for in everything else they do. The tenth graders are technically considered the "big man on campus." They are more confident in themselves, try to pretend they know who there are, and even try to argue with you as if THEY are the experts. Cute isn't it? The best part of working at a high school isn't even the sophmores, juniors, or seniors. It's the freshmen.
Freshmen are still in that "I can still be a dork and get away with it yet I am trying to find myself and make my way in this big place full of scary upper classmen" phase. They don't even know that how they act around each other is one of the best experiences you can have in people watching.
Let me break it down for you. I am one of the youngest teachers on my campus, therefore I get away with a tad more with the students than other teachers do. I am a big dork, and I make stupid jokes, but I am slightly on the cooler side. Oh, and not to mention I am short. So, when I walk down the halls, I can pass by barely noticed. If it wasn't for the little authority a plastic card holds that I wear around my neck, I would just get scoffed at.
When I walk down the halls, it honestly feels I am watching a movie. There are the group of boys, obviously popular and on the cuter side of the students, standing in a circle, or leaning against the lockers as "the ladies" walk by. They glance their way, even sneaking an eye at certain body parts, thinking no one else sees, and the girls know EXACTLY what they are doing. They chat about the game, or what class they hate, or that new girl who is a "hottie." Yes, they use the word hottie. One or two of them are the "charmers" of the group. You know the "charmers?" The ones that smile and joke with the teacher, making the teacher forget what they were scolding them for in the first place. They have that sense of humor that anyone would laugh at and make it hard to be taken seriously because you can't even punish them because what they said or did was just THAT awesome? You look further down the hall, and there are the girls who pretend that they don't care what people think of them, yet you turn your head for a second and as you glance back you see them check themselves in the mirror. The ones who try and make a statement always get me. Just because your hair is pink, doesn't mean the world is going to automatically put itself back together again. Those tend to be some of the coolest kids too. Then there are the kids who walk into your class and you automatically make a pre-judgement without giving them a chance. The beauty is when they prove you wrong, SO wrong, that they become your favorites, which you aren't suppose to have. Of course there are the standard groups and cliques that are spread throughout the halls and cafeteria, but not to the "movie" extreme that we think of.
If you really want to see true interaction, the cafeteria is the best place to do it. The cheerleaders don't necessarily sit together, or with the football team. The band kids do tend to sit together, only because (and this is from personal experience and knowledge) they have a lot in common. They are on the nerdier/dorkier side with the occasional cool kid that proves everyone wrong, but not in a bad way. They are nerds and dorks in the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars kind of way. There are the theater kids, athletes, smart kids, nerdy kids, the athletes who think they are God's gift to planet earth, the quiet kids who sit alone, and those kids you want to punch in the face because they find every way possible to push your buttons and test you. The best people watching is observing guys and girls with each other, especially those in a relationship or on their way into one.
Every day I have lunch duty at the same time, standing in the same place. Every day, there is the same guy and same girl who stand at the end of the same table talking to their friends. They are freshmen. I can tell because they both looked like they just came out of the womb. They stand so close, that their elbows are millimeters away from one another and their hands sit on the table in such a way that it is as if their pinkies are STRAINING to touch one other. They posture and body language doesn't scream we're friends, but "I LIKE YOU!" or they are together and not willing to act on it. I swear every day I watch them and I am just cheering them on in my head, thinking, "Just make a move!!!" Seriously! It's too cute. I can't stand it.
Then, if I turn my head to the left, there is a couple, also freshmen, who CAN'T KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF ONE ANOTHER! Like we are talking suckfest! It's a little much. They are all over each other as if they are unable to live if they aren't touching.
Then there are those who you can tell are in a brand new relationship because they hold hands awkwardly and look around as they walk to see if anyone is looking. They have this look on their face as if they are thinking, "We are together... People are looking at us.... Oh, God, this is awkward." It's so funny, because we have ALL been there.
High school is an experience in itself. It's a way of life. Teaching there is pretty awesome. Being on this side of things makes me remember, and think about when I was growing up. Heck, I'm STILL growing up. They have so much ahead of them, yet their entire world is now. It's all about the next big thing, and who's cute, popular, who dresses the best. They don't get it now, but they will. In the mean time, watching them figure it out is fabulous!

Looking so crazy in love right now, Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now...

Recently, a few girls and myself finished the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Let me tell ya, this book is one hard one to read. It's not hard to read because of the lingo, wording, or type of book, but because it is very hard to take. Plain and simple, it's harsh. Chan does in a loving, godly way, but everything he says has truth behind it. We are faultering as Christians. We think because we are a good person, a nice person, we go to church every Sunday and we pray every now and then, that we have it right. Truthfully, we have it SO wrong. Can't even a sinner be good, nice, and go to church? Chan makes you look at yourself and realize that we truly aren't loving to others and living as Christ would have us live. When it's you on the page, being town apart, that's hard to swallow. Through all of it, I can tell you that I have learned and looked more at myself as Christian in the past few months than I have all of my life, and I have been in the church ALL of my life. Honestly, I am not giving God all I have or all that I could. If He were to ask me to leave today, to geive away everything to someone who needs it, and follow Him and what He would have me do in my life, I don't think I could. I am getting there though. True love, God's love, must be shown through us, for He is no longer on this earth. My question to you and to myself is, "Are you truly in love with Christ?" If I was, serving would not be a burden, but a joy. Loving others would be a priveledge not a struggle. Seeking out what God wants for me would be my only focus. Wow. I have a long way to go. But thank you Francis Chan for pointing this out to me. I no longer want to be a lukewarm Christian, but on FIRE for Jesus. It's not that hard is it? I am making it more than I should. Jesus is not hard to love, so why do we make it hard? He is always there, pouring out His love, even though we CONSTANTLY try to push Him away.

Lord, I pray that I will gain a heart that is solely focused on you. You are the ONLY one who can satisfy. I love you so much. I pray that I am given the strength and open heart to obey what you have for me. I know there is more to this life than my possessions, friends, family, and my life itself. These are all blessings that you have given me, but if you ask me to leave it all behind, give me the strength and the desire to do so. I love you.

Disarray

Do you ever feel that NOTHING is coming together? That your entire life is in a state of confusion?

Okay, work with me on this. My life can be seen as a giant puzzle. We all have those moments where the puzzle is complete. It all fits together and everything is in it's place. I, however, am NOT having one of those moments. All the puzzle pieces are spread far, out and open across the table, with me scrambling to find the right pieces to fit where they go and to just see the "big picture." I don't feel at ease about anything, I am freaking out because I am not finding the puzzle pieces that I feel are essential at this moment. I don't have a job, yet I am moving out in June. I am applying everywhere, yet nothing is coming from it. I have my friends, you know the friends that you keep for the rest of your life, yet I can't take them with me. I want to move to the big city, but I am terrified. My life has become a series of buts, and yets.
I keep telling myself that God has it under control. He never LOST control. I keep thinking though that this whole time, my problem has been not talking to God about this. I keep pushing Him aside. I think it is due to my fears, and my wants, and not wanting anyone or anything interfere. I know He is there, waiting for me to give it to Him, but I just can't seem to let Him have it all. I know where I want to be, but I have yet to address God and His feelings toward the matter. Why is it so difficult to let God in?
I have a plan God. You know my plan. You knew it when You made me. Lord, you know the desires of my heart. You have plans for me. Plans to prosper, and not to harm me. You are everything. I know you love me and want what's best for me. Let me see that God. Soften my heart to You, and your desires for me. Take my stubbornness away. I want to give you control.